Treat Your Romantic Parnterships like Friendships

Dating by Adam on 2009-04-27 11:19

Gala Darling transcribed an article (author unknown) titled Infinite Relationships. Some excellent passages:

“In the beginning I would meet a beautiful new person, we would broaden each others’ horizons and have wonderful experiences together, and thus fall in love. At first we would feel more free together than either of us ever had, and the world would seem full to overflowing with possibility and wild joy. But slowly, not trusting the rest of the world, or the future in which we might not feel such wonderful things, we would build our relationship into a castle, to keep out the cold and dangerous outside world, and protect our passion by turning it into an institution. Sex, which at the beginning had been something that came more naturally and freely than anything else, became jealously guarded as the seal sanctifying our love relationship, as proof that it was different than all our other relationships. [This seems, in retrospect, like a really strange role for sex to play.] Inevitably, I would wake up one day and realize that the free, feral passion that we’d been united by was gone, replaced by habit, routine, fear of change; the castle we’d built had become a tomb, sealing us inside and away from the outside world.”

“I want to be valued for what I am, for what I do naturally, not how well I conform to some pre-set list of needs that someone has. If someone else can fill some of those needs, I wouldn’t deny that to anyone, and I don’t want to be jealous when others have something different to offer.”

“My friendships had a lot going for them that my love affairs never did: my friends were never jealous or possessive, my friendships didn’t tend to adhere to some strict socialized image of what they “should” be, and while my friendships generally continued on in one form or another through my life, once it turned out that a romantic relationship wasn’t storybook-perfect it would end and I wouldn’t see the lover any more.”

“Just as in your friendships, there may be people in the world with whom you can spend some wonderfully romantic time once or twice a month, but with whom you don’t have enough in common to date steadily and then marry, etc. (although you often see such mismatched couples, who would have been happy as more sporadic partners, making each other miserable in fifty-year marriages). Non-monogamous relationships make such things possible without paying any price of mutual unhappiness.”

“We’re always so thrilled when our desires happen to coincide with social rules: then it’s easy for us to feel proud of our desires, to think they’re beautiful, since they are universally accepted.”

“An open relationship is just that: it is a relationship in which people can be open with each other, and with themselves—in which nothing need be hidden or suppressed or off limits, in which the whole world can be ours to explore without fear of transgressing imaginary boundaries.”

This piece conveys what I believe to be the philosophical core of polyamory: how to have relationships in which you give and get the things that are right for you. Multiple partners are one possible (indeed, likely) effect of this philosophy, but that’s not what poly is ultimately about.

One comment per 'Treat Your Romantic Parnterships like Friendships'

  1. B.G.Sanford says:

    What a wonderful article and so very true in good relationships. I feel, realistically, to have a love relationship, you’ve first got to have a like relationship.
    Being a romance writer, let me take a brief moment and promote my new book,”Beth:Love along The Way…by B.G.Sanford,” andd just released by Eloquent Books. It’s the story of one woman overcoming all odds including two divorces, to find true Love……..Along The Way. It’s an amazing story you won’t soon forget. You can order it off the web, or have your favorite book store order it for you.
    All my best,

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